Time to extinguish IT

Negative thoughts have hounded me for years, but it has reached a breaking point

I felt up to the challenge. I've worked up to it over the last month.

And I started out strong. I wanted to push myself to see where I was at physically after completing 16 hikes in about 40 days with about 10 cardio workouts as well.

Made it up the first incline at what I've deemed "my training hike" at South Mountain that I’ve been tackling for about 20 years. I did a slow jog and hit the second, two-tiered incline, and my legs tired quickly.

A sliver of doubt is all it took for my IT to show up.

IT is that place in my head – the negative brain thoughts - that fucks with me. Devastates and debilitates me. If IT were a person he’d drink my last Pepsi, eat my last piece of birthday cake, and point out every mistake in something I wrote without the counterbalance of something positive.

Complete dick.

It's been there for as long as I can remember with the biggest example robbing me of my senior year of wrestling.

After three years of getting beat up on the varsity mat, my senior started with eight wins. I stepped on the mat feeling good, knowing it was time for me to put all of the hard work to good use.

Then we traveled to Medina.

I was matched up with a freshman – McKee was the last name – and I had a 4-3 lead while trying to ride him out for the win as we went out of bounds with 23 seconds left.

As he was getting set in the down position, I had my hand on my knees. I looked up at the scoreboard. And then IT showed up.

“You can’t beat him.”

A voice in my head decided to intervene and end my season right there. I had no idea where that came from. I’ll forever regret it. It haunts me.

Yes, 23 seconds in wrestling can feel like an eternity but I felt like I could ride him out until that rat bastard IT entered the match.

I took a minute to clear my head after being blindsided by the thought, but nonetheless McKee reversed me with a few seconds left and beat me 5-4. I remember putting my head on the mat, and taking forever to get up once the match was over, and I tried to understand where that ugly, devastating thought originated and decided to enter my life.

After the match I ran to the locker room, sat there in disbelief.

Where did it come from? And more importantly, how do I make sure it never happens again?

A couple of my buddies came into the locker room and tried to talk to me. Head coach – a psychology teacher as well – told me to let it go. It happens.

Unfortunately, it continued to happen. I went something like 2-10 the rest of the season. Lost complete confidence. Couldn’t close out matches anymore. If I had a lead in the third period, I’d invariably lose it.

I never recovered and some 35 years later, I still battle IT. Like I said, I wanted to test my endurance the other day on my hike, and IT took control and let my negative brain take over. It forced me to change my original plan and take a less demanding hike.

It pissed me off. I MFed myself the rest of the hike. Tried to say it was no big deal. I’ll test myself again the next time. But the damage lingered.

But the reality is I am still giving into to IT – that negative brain - all these years later. And for what? In this case because at 54 I am trail running/hiking 15 minutes slower than I was at 35?

Imagine that.

It has hit me at other areas in my life – standing in front of classroom for the first time at 48 after a career change and the subsequent weight gain that came with it has been very hard – but I’m done letting it mess me up.

I’m tired of IT dogging me all these years later. I’m sure others have encountered and endured their own negative brain. I’ve seen it first-hand coaching girls softball for the last 10 years. More than a few individuals are defeated before they even step into the batter’s box.

It pained me to watch. I tried to talk to them about the power of the negative brain. You know how that goes. What does he know???

I know what it is like have your performance paralyzed, going on 40 years. I feel like I finally need to take a stand.

So off I go.

The “training hike” is up next. No matter how it goes I will finish it. I will post a time. But this attempt I am not competing against 35-year-old me.

It’s me against IT – the negative brain.

No matter how it manifests itself, weasels its way into my head, it will not break my stride.

Or me.